Finding Your Voice: Overcoming Verbal Violence in Relationships

At the beginning of this century, my marriage was struggling. I was drinking a bit too much and often found myself emotionally unbalanced. I never became physically aggressive, but I could become quickly and intensely irritated or agitated over all kinds of things. My then-wife, much gentler by nature, would sometimes watch me with a shake of her head and a heavy heart.

One day, we decided to address both our marital issues and my unhealthy relationship with alcohol by hiring a coach. His name was Jaap. He had been recommended by a colleague who credited him with helping him overcome his own alcohol problems. Jaap was a seasoned personal coach and therapist, and the day we met is one I will never forget. I am quite tall myself, but this man could barely fit under the doorframe of our front door. He was a giant of a man, literally and, as I later discovered, also in presence.

During our joint sessions, alongside our individual ones, I was usually the one speaking. Jaap often had to interrupt me to give my then-wife a chance to say something. In my mind, I thought I was helping her. She was originally from Hungary and was not yet fully fluent in Dutch, so by speaking a lot, I thought I was making things easier for her. She would not have to struggle as much. She would not have to search for words. I was simply taking the lead.

At least, that was the story I told myself.

At a certain point, Jaap had enough. Kindly, but very clearly, he asked if he could try an experiment with me. I nodded. He asked me to lie on my back with my legs together and my arms spread out. No sooner had I taken that position than he forcefully sat on top of me, pressing his knees onto my arms, leaving me only able to move my legs. With a smile, he asked me to try to escape.

I could not.

No matter what I did, it was impossible to shake this giant off me. With an even bigger, almost mischievous smile, he asked me how it felt. I stammered that it felt imposing, oppressive and even a bit threatening. I trusted him, I said, but it still felt literally and figuratively suffocating.

“That is exactly what you do verbally to your wife,” Jaap said. “And that is how she sometimes feels.”

I was speechless.

Until that moment, I had not understood that I was regularly subjecting my then-wife to a form of verbal violence. Not because I called her names. Not because I threatened her. Not because I consciously wanted to hurt her. But because I used my verbal strength, speed and dominance in a way that left too little room for her voice.

Tears filled her eyes. And all I could say was: sorry.

What Is Verbal Violence?

Verbal violence is a form of psychological harm in which words, tone, volume, speed, interruption, ridicule, humiliation, threat or verbal dominance make another person feel unsafe, small, silenced or unable to express themselves. It is closely related to verbal abuse, but I use the term verbal violence here deliberately because it makes visible something we often minimize.

Verbal violence does not always look like shouting. It can be loud, aggressive and openly hostile, but it can also be subtle. It can happen through constant interruption, dismissive jokes, intellectual overpowering, ignoring, sarcasm, endless correction or taking up so much space in a conversation that the other person slowly disappears.

That is why verbal violence in relationships can be difficult to recognize. Especially when the person doing it does not see himself or herself as aggressive. I certainly did not. In my own mind, I was explaining, helping, clarifying, defending or trying to move the conversation forward. But from the other side, it could feel very different.

And that is the point.

In communication, intention matters. But impact matters too.

Verbal Abuse Is Not Always Loud

When people think of verbal abuse in relationships, they often imagine screaming, insults, threats or humiliation. And yes, those are clear forms of verbal abuse. But not all verbal violence is loud. Sometimes it is fast. Sometimes it is intelligent. Sometimes it is charming to the outside world. Sometimes it hides behind logic.

A person who is verbally strong can dominate a conversation without ever raising their voice. They may speak faster, formulate better, argue more sharply, remember details more easily or use language in a way that overwhelms the other person. If the other person needs more time, feels less confident or struggles to find words under pressure, the imbalance can become painful.

This is an often overlooked form of verbal abuse: the highly articulate person who overwhelms someone who needs more space to formulate their thoughts.

In sensitive conversations, this difference can quickly become dangerous. Not because every strong communicator is abusive, but because verbal strength can easily become verbal power. And power, when it is not handled with awareness, can silence the person on the other side.

How Verbal Dominance Can Silence Someone

It is strange when you think about it. Across cultures, religions and upbringings, we understand that an MMA fighter should not attack an elderly man. The difference in physical strength is too obvious. We instinctively understand that strength creates responsibility.

But in verbal interactions, we often forget that same principle.

Someone who speaks faster, argues better or has more emotional force in a conversation can overwhelm someone who is quieter, slower, less confident or more sensitive to conflict. That does not always happen consciously. Sometimes it is simply a pattern. One person fills the space. The other person withdraws. One person keeps explaining. The other person gives up. One person feels misunderstood. The other person feels erased.

Over time, the quieter person may stop trying. They may avoid certain topics. They may apologize too quickly. They may start doubting their own thoughts. They may feel that every conversation is already lost before it begins.

That is when communication is no longer communication.

It becomes domination.

Why Some People Are More Verbally Powerful Than Others

People differ enormously in how they use language. Some people think while speaking. Others need silence before they can speak honestly. Some become sharper under pressure. Others freeze. Some grew up in homes where debate was normal. Others grew up in environments where speaking up was risky, punished or ignored.

Language is not only vocabulary. It is confidence, timing, emotional safety, social training, nervous-system regulation, status, culture, family patterns and self-worth.

A positive self-image and adequate confidence can make a huge difference in how freely someone speaks. People who feel internally solid are usually less afraid to express their opinion, make a mistake or disagree. People with lower self-worth may hesitate, overthink, soften everything they say or withdraw before they have even tried.

Perfectionism can also play a role. Striving for perfection can be motivating, but excessive perfectionism can make people afraid to speak unless they know exactly what they want to say. In emotionally charged conversations, that becomes almost impossible. By the time they have found the right words, the conversation may already have moved on.

Social class, education and upbringing matter too. A person raised in a language-rich environment, where conversation, reading and debate were common, often develops a different verbal confidence from someone who did not have that exposure. Authority patterns also matter. In some families, cultures or relationships, certain people are expected to listen rather than speak. That can become deeply internalized.

Then there is fear. Fear of conflict. Fear of rejection. Fear of being wrong. Fear of being too much. Fear of being laughed at. Fear of making things worse. For some people, silence is not agreement. It is self-protection.

And that is exactly why the verbally stronger person has a responsibility to slow down.

Signs of Verbal Violence in a Relationship

Verbal violence in a relationship is not always obvious from the outside. Sometimes it is hidden in the rhythm of the conversation. Sometimes it appears not in what is said, but in what the other person no longer dares to say.

You may be dealing with verbal violence or verbal dominance when one person consistently avoids conversations, eye contact or physical closeness after conflict. Another sign is visible fear or nervousness during difficult conversations, such as trembling, sweating, freezing or becoming unusually quiet. Emotional outbursts can also be a signal, especially when someone suddenly starts crying or becoming angry after repeatedly not being heard.

Other signs are more subtle. Someone may become less spontaneous, less confident or less expressive over time. They may avoid certain topics because they know they will not be able to hold their ground. They may apologize too often, even when they have done nothing wrong. They may start saying things like “never mind,” “it does not matter,” or “you are probably right,” not because they agree, but because continuing the conversation feels pointless.

These signs do not automatically prove abuse. Relationships are complex. People can withdraw for many reasons. But if one person repeatedly feels small, afraid, silenced or overwhelmed after conversations, something important is happening.

And it deserves to be taken seriously.

If You Recognize Yourself as the Verbally Dominant Partner

If you recognize yourself in this article as the verbally dominant partner, the first step is not shame. Shame often makes people defensive, and defensiveness makes real change almost impossible. The first step is responsibility.

Ask yourself what you are really trying to do when you speak. Are you trying to understand, or are you trying to win? Are you exchanging thoughts, or are you trying to convince the other person that your version is the only reasonable one? Do you make space for the other person to find their words, or do you fill every silence because silence makes you uncomfortable?

In my own marriage, I paid too little attention to what my then-wife felt, thought or wanted to say. I did not ask enough questions. I did not wait long enough. I was often in a hurry, not necessarily in time, but emotionally. There was a constant “please understand me” feeling hanging over me, as if being understood mattered more than understanding her.

That is a dangerous imbalance.

If you often dominate conversations, ask yourself this:

“In this relationship, do I want to be understood more than I want to understand?”

That question can hurt. But it can also open the door.

Because the goal of a relationship is not to win the conversation. The goal is to remain in contact with each other while telling the truth.

How to Stop Using Words as Pressure

Stopping verbal violence begins with awareness, but awareness alone is not enough. You have to change the way you enter difficult conversations.

Slow down. That sounds simple, but for verbally strong people it can be incredibly difficult. You may feel that if you do not explain now, the other person will misunderstand you. You may feel urgency in your body. You may want to correct, clarify, defend or finish the other person’s sentence. Do not.

Let there be space.

Ask one question and wait for the answer. Do not turn the question into another speech. Do not use silence as a tactic, but as an invitation. If the other person needs time, give time. If they struggle to find words, do not rescue them too quickly. What you experience as helping may actually be taking over.

Also notice your tone. Many people focus only on the content of their words, but tone carries power. A sentence can be technically correct and emotionally unsafe. “I am just being honest” is not a free pass to be careless. Honesty without respect becomes force.

And if the other person says they feel overwhelmed, do not immediately argue with their experience. That is often the moment where the damage doubles. You may not have intended to overwhelm them. But if they feel overwhelmed, start there.

If You Feel Verbally Overwhelmed or Silenced

If you are on the receiving end of verbal violence, it is important to say this clearly: you are not powerless. But that does not mean you are responsible for someone else’s harmful behavior. The responsibility for verbal abuse belongs to the person doing it. Still, there are ways to protect yourself and regain your voice.

The first step is to recognize what happens to you in the conversation. Do you freeze? Do you agree too quickly? Do you lose your thoughts? Do you start apologizing even when you do not know why? Do you need hours or days after the conversation to understand what you actually wanted to say?

That information matters.

If a conversation is emotionally charged, you can ask to continue later. Not as avoidance, but as protection of clarity. You can say: “I want to talk about this, but not like this. I need time to think, and I want to continue when we can both listen.”

You can also ask for uninterrupted speaking time. That may feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you usually adapt yourself to the other person’s rhythm. But it is legitimate to say: “I need you to let me finish before you respond.”

Some people struggle to assert their boundaries because they fear conflict, rejection or escalation. That is understandable. But without boundaries, the pattern often continues. A boundary does not have to be aggressive. It can be calm, clear and firm.

For example: “If you keep interrupting me, I will stop this conversation and we can try again later.”

That is not punishment. That is self-respect.

Safety Comes Before Communication

There is an important distinction here. If you are in a relationship where verbal violence is part of a broader pattern of control, intimidation, threats, isolation or fear, communication tips are not enough. In that case, safety comes first.

This article is not therapy, legal advice or crisis support. If you are in immediate danger, feel unsafe in your relationship, experience threats or fear escalation, seek help from local emergency services, a qualified professional or a trusted support organization.

Not every difficult conversation is abuse. Not every strong speaker is unsafe. Not every conflict means a relationship is harmful. But when words are used to control, frighten, humiliate, isolate or repeatedly silence someone, it is serious.

Finding your voice does not mean you have to stay in every conversation.

Sometimes finding your voice begins with getting help.

How Coaching Can Help You Find Your Voice Again

Coaching can be valuable when the issue is not immediate danger, but a recurring communication pattern that needs awareness, language, boundaries and practice. Good coaching can help both sides understand what happens in the interaction. It can help the verbally dominant person slow down, listen better and take responsibility. It can also help the quieter person strengthen your communication skills, speak more clearly and set boundaries without losing themselves.

This is not about turning quiet people into loud people. And it is not about making strong communicators weak. It is about restoring balance. A healthy conversation does not require both people to speak in exactly the same way. It requires both people to have room to exist.

For executives, entrepreneurs and leaders, this can be especially important. Many successful people are verbally strong. They are used to persuading, presenting, deciding and moving conversations forward. Those skills can be valuable in business, but harmful at home if they are not softened by presence, patience and emotional awareness.

The question is not whether you are good with words.

The question is whether the person in front of you still has room for theirs.

Final Thought: Words Can Protect or Oppress

Words are powerful. They can clarify, comfort, inspire and connect. They can also corner, pressure, confuse and silence. Most of us prefer to think that verbal violence is something other people do. People who shout. People who insult. People who threaten.

But sometimes verbal violence is more subtle than that. Sometimes it is the moment one person’s verbal strength becomes so large that the other person disappears inside the conversation.

That was my lesson.

I did not learn it from a theory. I learned it lying on the floor, unable to move, with a giant coach sitting on top of me and my then-wife crying beside me.

It was painful to see. But it was necessary.

Because finding your voice in a relationship is not only the task of the quieter person. It is also the responsibility of the stronger speaker to stop taking up all the air.

A relationship does not become safer because one person finally wins the argument. It becomes safer when both people can speak, listen, pause, feel and remain present.

Not perfectly.

But honestly.